Mother’s Day can be sad and painful for stepmoms. We hope the kids we are helping to raise will acknowledge us, even though we know we are not their “real” moms, but they often don’t. Because this day can be so emotional, I devoted a whole chapter to it, entitled, “Not My Mother’s Day!”
Here’s a heartfelt, touching story from my book Stepping into a New Role, Stories from Stepmoms, which will be released early next year from 4RV Publishing…
Tell me about some of your Mother’s Day experiences on my blog! I’d love to hear about them! 🙂
Gretchen’s Story
I have every Mother’s Day card my two step kids ever gave me. That first one, though, is the most special to me. I had no idea what being a “mom” meant, let alone a stepmom. What did I know about parenting or trying to help raise someone else’s kids? Those first few years were such a roller coaster ride, with some not pleasant memories and things I did that I was not proud of.
The first time I met Cyndy, she was only six years old. Her birthday was coming up, so I suggested, “Let’s go to Disneyland!” Cyndy screamed, “Yes!!” Several months later, while we were walking around Disneyland, she saw her daddy and me holding hands for the first time. She dealt with this new reality by walking in between us and trying to break us apart. Back at home, when her dad gave me a kiss goodbye, she stood at the door and yelled, “Daddy, Daddy! You need to come inside now.” Then seeing me standing there in the doorway, she bluntly asked, “Are you still here? You’re not gone yet?”
When Cyndy was eight years old, we took a trip to Vegas. Her dad needed to be there for a convention, so we thought we’d make it a mini vacation. We were walking down the hallway towards our room, when Cyndy started sobbing. She was holding my hand, and her dad was walking a ways in front of us. She was crying, exclaiming, “You don’t understand me! You don’t know what it’s like! My parents are divorced!” She sounded like a distraught 30-year-old woman trudging down the hallway.
She continued with,“You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through. My parents are divorced. Do you even know what that’s like?!” And I’m thinking, “She’s eight years old!” Unintentionally, I started laughing, and she sulked, “What are you laughing at? It’s not funny!”
Of course, she was right. The whole situation was not funny at all. She just sounded so grown-up, I couldn’t help myself. I tried to calm her down by validating her feelings. I apologized for giggling and just listened to her sad feelings while tightly holding her hand, as we headed towards our room.
Sadly, her dad was no help. I tried getting his attention, by pleading, “Charles, seriously? Your daughter is here bawling her eyes out.” He just said, “She’ll be fine.” And, I’m thinking, “No, no, no. She won’t.”
Yeah, those first few years were not fun for any of us. But, I think that Las Vegas trip may have been a turning point for Cyndy and me. She told me years later that both she and Marty went home to their Mother’s and decided to only say nice things about me. They thought, “You know, we probably shouldn’t talk bad about her because we don’t even know her that well, and so far we really like her.”
It seemed that after our Vegas trip, a new appreciation for me occurred, specifically with Cyndy. It wasn’t perfect, but the impatience of waiting for me to leave and the attempts to separate her dad and me stopped. It was progress!
Then my first official Mother’s Day came upon me. Well, as official as Mother’s Day can be for a stepmom. The kids dad and I had finally gotten married. I have to admit that since we were married, I was sort of wondering if the kids would acknowledge me, at least with a Happy Mother’s Day wish or hug, perhaps, or maybe a card…
Imagine my surprise when I woke up the Saturday before the big day (because, of course, they would be spending the actual holiday with their bio mom), to find that my new husband and new step kids had made me a homemade breakfast, bought lovely flowers arranged in a vase, and gave me a beautiful Mother’s Day card from both kids.
What truly touched me, though, was what Cyndy wrote in my card. I had no idea she felt this way about me, especially since we had had such a rocky start. She wrote, “You’re always there for me. I just love you so much. You’re such a blessing in my life. I know I can always count on you and you never judge me. I’m so happy that you (finally!) married my daddy.”
After reading that card, tears welled up in my eyes, and I thanked Cyndy with a big hug. She said, “Well, it’s true. I just wanted to thank you for liking me for me, and not just for my daddy. You respect me for me, not just because of my daddy.” I said, “You’re right. I’m glad you picked up on that.”
I knew about stepmoms from my own bad experiences with the two I had growing up, so I had purposefully set out to do things differently, and I was thrilled to learn that I was succeeding. That is a card I will treasure forever.