Reading Jenna Korf’s article, “Stepmoms: Always the outsider” on her blog stepmomhelp.com, reminded me of my first movie night with my new family almost 10 years ago. I had never felt more left out. Here’s my story about that memorable and oh so fun night from my book Stepping into a New Role, Stories from Stepmoms. This story falls under the chapter, “Do I Really Matter?”
Have you ever felt like the outsider in your ready made family? If so, I’d love to hear about it in the comments section of my blog. 🙂
My Story
Movie night was meant to be an occasion to connect as a family. However, for me, it was a time to feel terribly left out. Feeling left out, sadly, was a common occurrence for me in grade school. I was typically the last one picked for teams in PE since I was born without my left arm. I guess all the kids assumed I wouldn’t be any good at sports. They were right, but I’m not so sure my lack of ability in sports had anything to do with my missing arm. There are plenty of accomplished athletes out there missing limbs. Nevertheless, not being chosen for sports teams did leave me with hurt feelings.
Flashing forward to my life as a stepmom, I was looking forward to the first “movie night” with my brand new ready-made family, and I suddenly felt like I was back in school, left out. We had the big, comfy, new, red couch I chose for my new family room in my new home, warm, fuzzy blankets to curl up in, and the hot popcorn and hot cocoa all made to complete the image. We were ready to sit down as a family to watch a movie, and the next thing I knew, both kids were fighting over who got to sit with Dad. Once again, I felt like the loser nobody wanted.
I guess that’s what it was- an image rather than a reality. The reality was two young children who did not know me or want me in their lives. These were two children who were not open to a new “parent” entering their safe, familiar world, and my poor husband did not know what to do with all three of his favorite people looking at him longingly.
I know, I know, it wasn’t personal. The kids had no idea that they were hurting the “little girl” in me. Their behavior had nothing to do with me. However, I am only human, and it did hurt. I told myself that it was natural for them to want to sit with their dad, and not me. Why would they want to sit with me? I wasn’t anybody special to them, yet.
Being left out way back in school was one thing, but now, as a grown-up, children wanted to be with me. I was used to kids fighting over me, not fighting to be with someone else. This was a hard new reality for me. In fact, in those first couple of years as a stepmom, I liked being at work more than at home. At work, my students loved me- not so much at home.
In time, my step- kids and I developed a close relationship, and I began to feel more like a parent to them. However, the kids I worked with still appreciated me more than my step-kids. When I shared this with my friends who were bio-moms, they simply said, “Welcome to parenthood!”