“I got a job!” That was fantastic news. My husband and I told Aiden that he needed to apply for 10 jobs a week or he would have to pay rent. I have to admit, I did not come up with this plan on my own.
A psychologist I admire and who Aiden saw for a few months recommended that we tell Aiden that he had one month to find a job or he would have to pay rent. I thought it was a genius plan. However, I wasn’t so sure my husband would agree. To my surprise, my husband not only thought it was a good idea, but he changed it up a little bit.
He told Aiden that he had to apply for 10 jobs a week and that at the end of each week, he would check to see that he had followed through. If he did, great. If he didn’t, he would owe us $200 in rent. Harsh! But, I was impressed!
We knew something had to be done to get Aiden to move towards adulthood. He was almost 20 years old and was going to junior college, but he was home every day by 12:30, doing nothing but holing up in his room or playing video games.
He had very little social life, no job, few interests. He wouldn’t even get his haircut because he didn’t want to spend the money. He was beginning to look like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber with his ridiculous bowl-cut. We, of course, tried to explain to him that he would have the money if he would just get a job! But he was doing nothing towards finding work. With the new plan in place, I was hopeful.
Therefore, when Aiden came home with the exciting news that he had found a job, I was thrilled. He announced that he figured out that the best way to get a job was to apply to a bunch of places. Apparently it was quantity that did the trick. Really? Isn’t this what we had been telling him all along? Further proof that people need to figure things out on their own.
In any case, I was just happy he found work. Until he told me that his orientation was on the Tuesday before he was to go on a trip with his mom and sister for five days. Oh no! He had to go on this trip! I was in need of a serious break. I was close to a breakdown! Well, not really, but, I did need some time apart from him.
Aiden and I were home at the same time far too often. I really do love him, but his energy and my energy don’t always mix. I had the next five days off from work, and I was planning some much needed downtime. Peace and quiet. If Aiden didn’t go on this trip, he would stay here with us. The entire time!
Me: Did you tell your new boss about your trip?
Aiden: Oh! I forgot to! But, it’s okay. I just won’t go.
Me (Inside!): What?? No, no, no, no! You need to go on this trip!
Me (Out loud, calmly): You can still go on the trip. Just call your new boss and let him know that your mom planned this trip awhile ago.
Aiden: I can’t do that! I will lose out on the job! I don’t want to risk it!
Me (out loud, getting panicked!): You need to call him and tell him! It’s not a problem! He’s not going to not hire you for an already planned trip!!
Me(inside): Calm down… You’re getting hysterical…
Aiden: Well, I’ll tell my mom and see what she says…
Thank goodness his mom agreed with me. Aiden left a message for his new employer, but he never heard back. I told him to call again, but he wouldn’t… I checked in with him everyday, but still no call back. I, again, told him to call one more time, but he didn’t want to. I was getting hysterical again. Finally, Aiden asked me, nicely, to let him handle things his way.
What could I say to that? I had to back off. I had to trust that God would provide what was best. That has always been so hard for me, letting go and trusting. Not my strength. But, I tried. I breathed. Then, it turned out that Aiden got the day wrong for his orientation. It was the Tuesday AFTER his trip. Whew! A big sigh of relief.
Now I would get my space, my time alone with my dogs. And then the guilt set in. I have been working so hard to eradicate the “evil stepmom” persona, but suddenly I was feeling just like that- the evil stepmom. The stepmom who didn’t love her step-kids.
Guilt is a strange emotion. It can eat you up inside. I knew I loved those two children. But how quickly I doubted that just because I needed a break. Did it really mean that I didn’t love the kids I was helping to raise just because I didn’t want them around for a few days? I knew I needed to discuss these conflicting feelings, but it was hard to share this with anyone. Especially my husband. I eventually did, though, and, God bless him, he tried to understand.
As difficult as it was, I shared with my friends who had kids of their own. When they admitted to wanting time off from their bio-kids, I instantly felt a reprieve. I guess I wasn’t an evil stepmom for wanting space from my step-kids if they wanted time away from their “real” kids, right?
I also had a hard time telling my stepmom friends. I was afraid to find out that they never felt that way and would then judge me. They didn’t. Everyone was understanding and supportive. I don’t know what I was worried about in the first place. I knew I had the best husband and incredible friends surrounding me.