The Moving Day

Hi Everyone!

Here’s the second half of my story from last week’s post. This is all about my big move-in day with my husband and his two kids. I hope you enjoy!

Less than a year later, I pulled into the driveway of my new home —Brian’s home with his two kids. During my entire drive, my body was stiff, and I was having difficulty breathing. We’d been planning my move-in for some time, but suddenly the reality was sinking in. I had sold my house and my business, and all my belongings were loaded into a big moving truck, and the next thing I knew, my two cats, my dog, and I were heading to our new home.

My old life felt a million miles away. What was I thinking? I gave up my house near the ocean, my successful private practice, my friends, and my neighborhood to move in with a man and his two complaining, sullen children. But, when my husband-to-be ran up to my car, leaned in the open window, planted a big kiss on my lips, and said, “Welcome home!” my shoulders dropped from my ears, and l let out a deep breath, feeling the tension leave my body.

I knew I had made the right choice; happiness awaited me.

I moved in less than six months after our first family date. Even though I knew I had made the right choice, I was going to have to wait a bit longer for that happiness. Those first several months were difficult. I spent many hours crying on the phone to my friends, crying in the bath tub, or crying myself to sleep.  I had no idea how hard this role of stepmom was going to be. I kept wondering what I had done with my life. I knew I was with the right man, but did I really need to move in with him and his children?

Part of what made my move-in so challenging was that I moved into the home the kids previously shared with their mom. Needless to say I had to change EVERYTHING. Even things I may have liked, still needed to go, on principle alone! This proved to be too many changes for the kids. I did, however, promise them that I wouldn’t change their rooms or their toy room.

One day, Aiden came home from school while the painter was still there painting yet another room. He walked through the front door, mumbled a “hello” and then slowly stomped up the stairs to his room. A moment later, he was out on the landing saying,”Shawn, you promised me you wouldn’t change my room!” I said, “Honey, I didn’t! I didn’t touch your room!” His cheeks turned bright red, he mumbled, “Oh,” turned around, with his head hanging down, and headed back into his room. To this day I have no idea what he thought was different, but I did realize I needed to slow down with all the changes I was making.

Several years later, I found out just how stressful my moving in was to Aiden when he had to write a descriptive essay in the ninth grade. Apparently, he thought a good topic would be to write about that day. He made it sound like a virtual stranger, dripping in jewelry, suddenly moved in and turned his whole world upside down. All in one day! He ended it with nice things to say about how close we had become, but the bulk of it was not easy to read. At least, he shared his feelings.

Brian and I tried to do everything “right” with the move-in. We even made some of the decorating changes before I moved in. We bought a new, red couch, a new dining room set, even painted a room or two. We thought making a few changes prior to my moving day would make things easier on the kids. I guess we were wrong. I think that no matter what we would have done to try to make things “right”, nothing would have worked. Having your parents get divorced and then getting a new stepmom or stepdad is never easy on children.

There were many nights that I thought Brian and I should have left things as they were, an every weekend relationship with a midweek visit ⎯ one weekend with the kids and one weekend just for us. But, then I would remember how much I missed my now husband during those nights we were apart. I also began to realize how very much these two children needed me.

A few months after I moved in, my husband was driving Jessie home from her mother’s baby shower, when she told her dad that she overheard I hated her mother. Well, my husband did not know what to say to that. He asked Jessie if she had ever heard her mother say mean things about me, and she said she had. He then asked her if she had ever heard me say anything mean about her mom, and she said she had not. “Well, who do you think hates who, then?” He asked.

When he relayed this story, I was speechless. I couldn’t believe that he actually said this to a six-year-old child. We discussed how this was inappropriate, and what he could have said instead. Then, I called Jessie out of the playroom. We sat on the couch and I said,  “Your dad told me that you overheard someone say that I hate your mom.”  Her cheeks turned red and she hung her head. I continued, “This isn’t true; I barely know your mom. But what I do know is that your mom loves you and Aiden, and that makes her okay in my book.” I hugged her, saying, “I hope you know you can talk to me about anything that’s upsetting to you.” That evening Jessie wanted to cuddle with me on the couch for the first time. I think that conversation helped her feel safe with me; she knew I wasn’t going to be that person who would say mean things about somebody she loved. Feeling her warm little body curled up next to me on the couch made me feel like a “mom” for the first time. As I said, I knew happiness awaited me in my new home.